Ligers Exist
by Holy-Shirt
Summary: Napoleon and Pedro set off for a tots eating contest. But things don't turn out quite as expected...
1. Saturday

**Napoleon Dynamite**

_**Ligers Exist**_

_**Chapter 1 - Saturday**_

DISCLAIMER: _This is my first attempt at writing a story so be nice. Well actually it's not my first but it's the first one to get past two lines. Here goes..  
_

Napoleon awoke to the screaming of his personalized alarm clock.

"Wake up you freakin' idiot!" went the all too familiar sound. He threw off his covers, somersaulted out of bed, withdrew a shuriken from one of his pajama-pockets, a tot from another, threw the tot in the air and bisected it perfectly with one throw of the shuriken, which shot through the air making its final impact with the bulls-eye of the dart board hanging on his door. He then caught each half of the tot in either hand and popped them into his mouth. "Breakfast is served," he said monotonously. "Well not exactly," he thought. One tot split into two wasn't enough to be called a breakfast. He sprang downstairs, leapt into the kitchen, poured tots, milk and ketchup into a bowl and started a-munchin'.

"Why are you in such a happy mood this morning?" asked his brother Kip, from his computer.

"None of your freakin' business... Gosh." went Napoleon. "You can't tell me how to feel!"

"I wasn't telling you how to feel, I was asking you why you're feeling the way you do."

"Just shut up and let me finish my breakfast, ok?" Napoleon finished his breakfast, lifting the bowl to his mouth and drinking the last of the ketchup-tots-flavoured milk, while mumbling obscenities under his breath (like 'freakin idiot'). Why did he have to have such an idiot of a brother? He picked up the tots-box to throw at Kip, but as he did so the corner of his eye spotted something of interest on the back:

MASSIVE TOTS EATING COMPETITION!

ALSO FEATURING: THE WORLDS BIGGEST TOT!

WHERE? THE MALL

WHEN? SATURDAY AUGUST 26

BE THERE!

"Why are you staring at that box like that, Napoleon?"

"Shut up!" Napoleon threw the box at Kip full force. It flew past his head and out of the window. Napoleon let out a long sigh. He was much better at throwing shurikens. He dumped his empty bowl in the sink and made his way back to his lair. After completing the necessary morning sanitary rituals, he slipped on his favourite checked pants and squeezed into a bright-yellow 'Vote For Pedro' t-shirt that he had made himself.

"I wonder if Pedro will want to come with to the tots contest." Napoleon reached for the phone.

_Ring ri-, _went the phone on the other end.

"Hello?" said Pedro.

"Hello?" said Napoleon.

"Hello?" said Pedro.

"Uh, Hello?" went Napoleon.

"Who is this?" asked Pedro.

"Hello?" went Napoleon.

"Hello?" said Pedro.

"Pedro?" went Napoleon.

"Napoleon?" went Pedro.

"What?" went Napoleon.

"Why'd you call?" said Pedro.

"There's gonna be a tots contest today at the mall. It'll be freakin sweet. Do you wanna come?"

"Ok."

"Sweet."

"Ok bye."

"Wait! I'll come fetch you with my bike. We can ride together."

"Ok."

"Ok bye."

Napoleon made his way to the backyard to fetch his bike.

"Where are you going?" asked Kip as Napoleon was passing by.

"To get my bike. Me and Pedro are gonna win a contest today and become rich and famous and get lots of babes." And with that, he went out of the door...

_To be continued..._


	2. An Idea

**Napoleon Dynamite**

_**Ligers Exist**_

_**Chapter 2 - An Idea**_

Napoleon burst back through the door.

"Where the flip is my bike, Kip?"

"What?", asked Kip distractedly, while typing away at his keyboard. He mumbled something which to Napoleon sounded like "I wish I could dip your hair in a tub of strawberry ice-cream."

"Where the flip is my bike, Kip?"

"How the heck should I know?" And then softly, still typing, "I'm wearing a Speedo, you?"

Napoleon stomped over to Kip, got him in a headlock and gave him noogies. "Where the flip is my bike, Kip?"

"Hey, you're constricting my windpipe," Kip gurgled.

"Then tell me where's my bike!"

"Okkkk, gr gr gr gr..."

Napoleon released his brother's head.

"Grandma took it with her on her sand-duning trip," choked Kip, tenderly stroking his Adams apple.

Napoleon let out a long sigh. "How many times must I tell her not to do that? Gosh. Now how am I gonna get to the contest?"

A line of text started appearing on Kip's screen:

_'ARE YOU STILL THERE, SWEETUMS?'_

"Sweetums? Who are you chatting to, Kip?" The screen-name read 'hotbabe101'.

"Just a hot babe I met the other day. Are you jealous?"

Napoleon ignored him. "What about your girlfriend, Lafawnda?"

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Ok."

"She turned out to be a man."

"Oh."

_'hotbabe101 HAS LOGGED OUT...'_

"Now look what you did! I was just about to propose..."

Napoleon made his way to the front door, leaving Kip sobbing onto his keyboard. He passed the TV, which had 'The Wildestest West Part 53' showing.

_"...Thanks, Stranger Bob Joe. Once again you've saved the day..."_

_"And I couldn't have done it without my Trusty Steed," said Joe, dismounting his trusty steed and affectionately rubbing its bottom..._

Napoleon went outside.

It was a sweet day outside. The sun was shining, the sky was cloudless and somewhere in the distance birds were chirping, bees were buzzing and a cow was about to get shot by a farmer.

"I suppose I'll just have to go to Pedro and the contest via my feet." Napoleon started to run in the direction of Pedro's house.

"Hey!" called Kip, his head out of a window. "Where are you going? You must feed Tina!"

"You feed her!"

"..._And I couldn't have done it without my Trusty Steed..."  
_

Napoleon had an idea...

_To be continued..._


End file.
